Jerome Aiken

4/3/13

            When deciding which essay I would choose to revise, I thought to myself which of the two essays can I go another couple paragraphs. The essay I chose to revise is will be both, the reason for me choosing both essays to revise is because I feel as if I could have got a greater grade than I did receive. The first essay was horrible but I felt as if I ran out of things to say as the essay went along so in the first essay I will be strengthen my essay also adding better topic sentences and ending sentences. I feel as my conclusion could have been much better because I didn’t really leave the reader with anything to really think about. The first essay I need to expand on some of my ideas because if I read it, I understand what I am talking about but if another person reads it, it would be confusing for them. The reason for me revising my second essay is because I felt I worked on this essay and it had more preparation to it. I was so disappointed about the first essay, I worked much more on the second but there wasn’t much of a difference in grades which makes me feel as if my hard work was useless because it wasn’t enough. In this essay I am going to try to work on the little couple of points that I lost, such as the introduction. It doesn’t catch the reader like it should and I will improve it to gain points on to my grade. In this essay I also need to improve my topic sentences and ending sentence. I felt as if my conclusion did leave the reader with something to think about so I did do better with that. Another difference was that I felt as if I could add more to this essay and there was more to say oppose to the first essay, the second I felt like my paragraphs weren’t getting weak as I went with my essay.